On the Day Before the Eve of Another Day

I am probably one of the worst Christians I know, and even in saying this, I am permeated by a secret pride that I am probably not half so bad as many others, secular or Christian alike. Often I tell myself that I've not hurt others, or wrecked the lives of others, with the greatest victim of my sins being me. My clones as firing squad, guns all pointed haphazardly in my direction, and me not even realizing half the time, or just ignoring potential doom.

But in the end this vision serves my pride, because I imagine that for every good gone undone--gentle whispers from God, conscience or nature ignored--at least, at base, I've not done incredible evil to others.

Of course that delusion, even if true, leaves me as just an unused tool hanging on the wall in the carpenter's shop.  I am the student at the back of the room, neither raising my hand with the answers, nor causing commotion. Ah, lukewarm. Past gone, future gone, forever in the present tense, buried in my body, buried inside myself. I am the man in limbo, caught between reality and imagination, between faith and disgust.

I seem not to be able to default to unbelief in God either, or open defiance. I lack the courage of the atheist. I lack also the will of God's former friend Satan, who could sit on a couch in paradise and conclude with open defiance that all that is, is not as it should be. In the end I believe in God, but have troubles with man, and most incredibly with myself. And yet, deep down, I want to love, and feel sadness that I don't, or can't, or can love some, but not others.

Which is why this song by Brandon Heath is on my playlist a lot:

Give Me Your Eyes

Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight

Touched down on the cold black tar
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breathe in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos

All those people going somewhere
Why have I never cared?

Give me Your eyes for just one second
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me Your love for humanity

Give me Your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach?
Give me Your heart for the one's forgotten
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide what's underneath

There's a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work, he's buying time

All those people going somewhere
Why have I never cared?

Give me Your eyes for just one second
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me Your love for humanity

Give me Your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach?
Give me Your heart for the one's forgotten
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I've been there a million times
A couple of million eyes just moving past me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong

Well, I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way You see the people all alone

Give me Your eyes for just one second
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me Your love for humanity

Give me Your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach?
Give me Your heart for the one's forgotten
Give me Your eyes so I can see

Give me Your eyes for just one second
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
That I keep missing

Give me Your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach?
Give me Your heart for the one's forgotten
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah