Wow and double wow. You had to think the financial authorities were pulling a weekender, with notepads out, pizza on order, and a WII system and Xbox set up on the big screen in the White House rec room for moments when brainstorming got a bit slow. Trying to figure out how to keep the U.S., ergo the world, from financial collapse is always complicated:
Bush: So guys, whatcha think? I mean, last week we surprised 'em with the $200 billion and had chinese. So pizza this time?
Paulson (Treasury Secretary): I'm down with pizza, not mushroom though.
Bernanke (Fed Head): It's important we get at least five pies though, cause I want extra slices. I'm starved. I'll make the call.
Bush: My mom may stop by with cookies later.
Bernanke: Awesome. We will need plenty of snacks. For tomorrow too.
Tim Giethner (NY Fed Bank head): I love your mom's cookies! Hey where's Jamie?
Bush: He's setting up the Wii and Xbox. We requisitioned a really big screen tv, this baby's huge, given the severity of the economic task before us.
Paulson: I was gonna say, last time we met, when I got beat in Gears of War, that 60 inch screen was just not cutting it for me.
Donald Kohn (Fed Board Vice Chairman): Oh get out of here. You just got beat. Admit it.
Jamie Dimon (JP Morgan Head): Hey guys, it's all set up in the other wing. I brought some barbecue from NY too.
Bernanke: Sweet dog! Love some good 'q.
Group moves to other wing, with assortment of other lesser officials.
Jamie D: Since I set up the Wii, can I buy Bear? They are very scrappy and their employees are loyal.
Bush: If you ask me, they are kind of stupid. All them employees tucking their free cash into Bear stock. Talk about too many penises stuffed into one box. Ha!
Jamie D: Whoa that's just wrong, that sentence! True, but wrong!
Paulson: Well, you want people to feel connected to their firms and have aligned interests ("No thanks, no beer, a Pepsi")
Timmy G: True that. Well tell me Jamie, what do you wanna pay? Market price was around $30 Friday. We wanna move fast no? ("Uhm, Red Bull for me, thanx")
Bernanke: Yea, I mean, lots of counter party risk. Lots of important people invested in Bear like that guy in the UK..what's his name....
Jamie D: I wanna pay $2. ("I'll take an iced tea")
Kohn: Oh get out of here. That's crazy low. And that billionaire in the U.K., he has to be taking a bath now. Probably out like $600 million at $2 share. ("Coffee here")
Paulson: Well we wanna remember we are trying to protect the financial system, not individuals.
Bush: You sounded like a dad when you said that.
Jenna Bush: Hey guys, Domino's is here.
Bush: Thanks hon. Send 'em to kitchen.
Timmy G: Who the hell chose Domino's, their pizza is awful.
Jamie: Yea, we could have brought down some NYC pizza if you had told us. Whose idea for pizza was it anyway. You knew I was bringing some 'cue.
Paulson: Bernie. He wanted to make sure we had enough.
Bernanke: Come on guys. Last time we ran out.
Kohn: So what are we saying with Bear. Do we let 'em bounce?
(Someone arrives)
Alan Schwartz (Bearhead): Hey guys, what's going on. I heard someone say "Let 'em bounce".
Bush: Sup Schwartz
Jamie D: Schwartz!
Bernanke: Pizza is here Alan, AND barbecue!
Paulson: Schwartz yo.
Kohn: Dude.
Timmy G: Schwartz man, you are late.
Schwartz: Sorry. Big fight at the airport. They didn't want to fill the tank of the Bear Jet.
Jamie D: You should try that fractional ownership... like Buffet's Netjets or whatever. Good stuff.
Schwartz: Yea I may look into that. So what's going on? I heard someone say $2. I think we should at least tip the pizza guy a little more. Passed him on the way in.
Paulson: Uhm. Actually...
Kohn: What Paulson is saying is that J.P. Morgan wants to offer $2 a share for Bear.
Jamie D: Well not just $2. We also want the Fed to pay for costs above that, and guarantee about $30 to 100 billion of your assets.
Schwartz: Whoa, what the hell?
Paulson: Uhm, well what the Fed is, uhm..
Kohn: What Paulson is saying is, we will cover $30 billion max Jamie.
Schwartz: But what the F*#$? $2 freaking bux? That kills our Citic deal. What will the employees say to me?
Bush: Schwartz, this isn't about you. It's about the integrity of the financial system. Paulson was saying that earlier.
(Jamie and Timmy move to Wii to play golf with slices of pizza).
Bernanke: Don't you just love the cheese on these.
Schwartz, Bush, Jamie D, Timmy G: NO!
Paulson: Come on guys. Dominos is passable. It's just not like pizza from NY or Chicago or Rhode Island.
Jamie D: Understatement of the year. So, do I get Bear for $2 or not?
Paulson: Yes.
Jamie: And you will backstop us for $100 billion?
Kohn: Weren't you listening? No. $30 billion. No more.
Bush: Awesome. Now we are cracking. Now what else can we do. I am betting huge down market Monday and you Fed guys don't plan on anything official till Tuesday. What are you talking 1%?
Kohn: Yea. That should at least add several billion to bank profits over time, if nothing else.
Bush: Sweet. But what about Monday. Dollar is falling in Asia now.
Schwartz: Did you see that shot over there?
Jamie D: Oh, my golf shot?
Paulson: No, the Arnie Invitational at Bay Hill on the other screen. Tiger just won again. Amazing.
Bush: That looked like a 25 footer birdie putt. Man I just never seen noth'in like that.
Bernanke: alfjalkdjflajlajaljklkajjf
Bush: What Bernie? Take that slice out of your mouth.
Bernanke: What I said was that ties him with Hogan for wins.
Paulson: How he made that shot... that's not an easy shot in any circumstance, let alone a tie situation.
Jamie D: I just did that shot on the Wii like ten minutes ago. Hey, is Jenna coming back?
Bush: She's just here to see her mom. Wedding junk.
Jamie D: She's a cutie.
Bush: Don't make me come woop you Jamie.
Timmy G: That would be double whip, cause I am beating Jamie right now, and bad.
Kohn: Okay okay settle down. The markets will be tight Monday morning, so we need to do something else. Maybe talk really tough or something.
Bush: Why don't we have a different official make a statement every hour tomorrow... ya know, a little positive spin.
Bernanke: We can cut the discount rate to 3 1/4%.
Timmy G: Yea I like the sound of that. Done deal.
Bush: But how about some sort of lendy window thingie for primary dealers.
Paulson: That's so bomb. Awesome. So a lending facility to improve the ability of primary dealers to provide financing to participants in securitization markets.
Bush: Exactly what I meant.
Bernanke: When are they bringing out that barbecue?
Schwartz: I just want to go over one last point before I can totally relax here. Perhaps you've not been reading your Bloombergs, but Bear Stearns's profit exceeded $2 billion in 2006, yet the price JPMorgan is paying is about one quarter the value of the securities firm's headquarters building in midtown Manhattan. The 1.2 million-square-foot, 45-story structure built in 2001 is worth about $1.2 billion, based on the average $1,000 per- square-foot that comparable office space in the city is currently fetching.
Bush: And your point? Cause your pizza is getting cold.
Paulson: Schwartz we do feel your pain. It's all so, embarrassing.
Jamie D: Well MAYBE if you guys had not started this whole thing in the first place by screwing your hedge fund investors last August, you might be able defend a higher price based on dignity. But the dignity bird flew out the window ages ago.
Bush: Come on guys. Let's look at the bright side. We got some stuff done, we got some good food, and now we can spend the rest of the night playing games.
Bernanke:Mmmm. I smell hot cookie. Bush's mom is here!!
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